Helping Biological Children Cope with Anger After Adoption

A storm raged within my son. He drew a gut-wrenching picture four months after we adopted our daughter. Fear ripped through me as I examined it. 

He drew two guns. One pointed at himself and the other pointed at his adopted sister. What does this mean? I fretted. Does he want to hurt himself? Does he want to hurt his sister? 

“No. He doesn’t,” explained our family therapist when I asked her a few days later. “The picture represents his anger.” Her answer calmed me, yet a I still yearned to ease my son’s pain.

“What should I do?” I asked. Her answer jolted me: “Reflect on his feelings.”

Wait. What? How could this be? I thought. Reflecting on feelings comes second nature to me. Her answer caused me to self-reflect.

Over time, I’ve discovered a few factors that have improved my ability to reflect on my children’s feelings. Here are some of them:

•      Name It to Tame It. According to our family’s Clinical Social Worker, many children can’t put a name to their emotions. Naming their big feelings for them helps to tame them. You’ll know you’ve labelled their feelings correctly when their “storm is calmed.”

•      Become a Detective. It’s often said that behavour is a symptom. Pay attention to your child’s unusual or disturbing behaviours. Label their potential feelings. For example, “You seem really angry. I wonder if you hate the fact that we adopted a child? Perhaps you feel as though I’m paying more attention to your sister than you?” Take a few guesses if needed. My children spew their feelings once I label them correctly.  

•      Have Realistic Expectations.  I have high expectations. I expect my boys to have self-control, be respectful, and show compassion. Not 50 percent of the time. Not 75 percent of the time. ALL the time. My children, of course, aren’t perfect. Our adoption journey challenges them, and they need my understanding. I’m better equipped to relate to my children, detect their underlying emotions, and reflect on their feelings, when I have realistic expectations. 

•      Be Patient During the Teenage Years. The onset of puberty exacerbates emotions and children often want to talk on their terms. Wait patiently for the right opportunity to reflect on feelings.  

I gained enough courage and perspective after a few weeks to look at my son’s drawing again and discuss it with him. I carefully unfolded the picture and asked my son, “Is THIS how mad you are?” His face turned light pink, but he nodded his head. We embraced in a hug and proceeded to have an in-depth discussion about his frustrations.